i gotta state that i am just not feeling it...i dont know what it is...but i sure as shit aint feeling it....that is all for now boyles and ghouls

i must admit that new forms of validation of ones self are like a breath of fresh air....tho my over thinking mind makes me wonder about this form of validation....i am trying my best to take it as it is and not overthink it as thats bestest for my self....this does however currently have me pondering about doing something i have not done in some time....but its like riding a bicycle for me....ingrained into my psychie....twould be quite easy to brush up on the new rules....am currently blessed with the ability to invest in what i would need to take part after brushing up on the rules....i just wish i could finagle lots and lots of practice for tweaking purposes...and of course now comes to mind the question of how to accomplish that while trying to keep my true intentions in vague form at best for most...well time to put my over active mind into action and let it do its thing....hope y'all enjoyed this nonsense....i know i sure did

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there are nights that cause my mind to wander in regards to who i am and where or what my place is....i find myself contemplating things i do not think should be thought...nothing like offing myself....too much catholic guilt after all....but about whats wrong with me...as i think about that answer i become torn because i know there are plenty of people who believe in me....who truly feel that there is nothing wrong with....who think i am wonderful....all those pleasantries...but my mind does not accept that as reality...i have wrestled with the why most of my life....i have theories....but they tend to fall apart as through my heads goes the thought process that one should not rely on others to attain ones own happiness or acceptance or whatever....and yet i feel the only thing i know for certain is that on my own i could never accomplish this...i think its because i am an emotional parasite at times....that my mood tends to mirror those i am with or around....but i tell myself this can not be the case as its more my strong sense of empathy that causes this to happen....that even when the going gets tough and most of those around me are uppity i tend to be calm and do my bestest to keep my smile on....i dunno....somehow i just go around in circles in my own head and never seem to get anywhere....i try to have faith that if i keep at it the pieces will click into place and i will understand.....but some nights my faith falters....right now i feel it faltering and the more i try to avoid it the more it happens....my mind has decided to stop being coherent enough for me to continue with this....my final thought just fades out to....man would i be set if arranged marriages were still the social norm.....and then i laugh at myself cuz even that would leave me alone somehow.....cruel world

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dear universe....i feel a need to inform you that i can only be responisble for my own actions....try as you might i can not be responsible for others actions....i tell you also that i will not be responsible for others actions either....again though i gots no problem accepting responsibility for my own actions...feel free to take those ones up with me if you would like....that is all for now....thank you for your time....sincerely....mauz deadalive

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and just like that....my world stopped...i dont know what to do with this new info....i know what i want to do....think i know what i should do....and know what most people would tell me to do....sadly each answer kinda conflicts and leaves me just standing there...lacking any sort of response....which leads to a major lack of action....i guess the real question becomes...in this lose lose situation i now face....which loss can i cope with best....i think i have also lost something now because of all of this....i hate these types of situations...i did nothing to cause it...and yet...being who i am...i will bear the cross on my shoulders as i have been taught to do my entire life.....c'est ma vie....i also wish i could be less vague here as for once in my life i do not want to bear this cross...but its not mine to divulge...and makes me worry about what i will do since i now feel i can not really talk to anyone about it....as with all things i guess i should have faith that the correct steps will be taken at the right moment for me to wind up where i am supposed to be....and thats what matters....or so they say

it gets to me sometimes...i mean...this is what i wanted to have happen...sadly it was the only viable option at the time as a means to an end....but still i sit here thinking about what i lost on account of anothers actions and deception...i know i will recover eventually...but right now it just makes me feel lost and empty....it also has me thinking thoughts i have not thought for years....ammusingly the last time i thought such thoughts was when i was dealing with another female who used me for whatever purpose....ya see i still am at a loss as to why these girls needed me in the capacity they used me as...i do not know why i let them either....i think i will just leave it at this...and i also fear that should i write more in this blasted thing that a certain someone will make her nasty comments as she has been anonymously....but as she pointed out...its all my fault....i will end this with a simple apology to all my friends who stuck with me...i know i do not need to...but i feel i should...i know my mind fixates on things and i do what i can to make it work...perhaps one day i will learn somethings are just meant to be broken...and if they do not work while broken no amount of effort will make it work while broken....as opposed to be broken and working...which might be doable somehow...but i am afraid to test that one....i am afraid of lots of things right now...but dont tell anyone...i gotta keep up my tough exterior...HAHAHAHAHA